easily came so hard today
i left the option on the dashboard as you drove away
and i watched myself fade into the distance
where i make my home now
i wanted this to be harder for you
i wanted it to be easier for me
instead i silently hoped the streetcorner that swallowed you
would change it's mind
there isn't enough bleach in the world to clean you out of my corners
but there's enough indifference in your smile to keep me scrubbing
and i blame the tear streaks on the sharp chemical snap of ammonia in the air
i don't make promises to myself these days
like "never again"
or "i'll keep hoping"
or "this time it will be different"
i ask God that He will shout loud enough to deafen the sound of your existence
i ask for the raw, vulnerable scraping awareness of my inconsequence to dull the optimism of my need
i ask for freedom from fear
so that i can love perfectly
in the face of instant replay disease
His answer is hard for me to hear
but i pry open my fingers one at a time
painfully
desperately
and i let go of you
to cling to Him
burrowing closer
higher up and further in
until i am surprised
by the realization that You are whispering in my ear
and that all those rainy mornings
playing hide and seek with joy
are over
because i have been found
this is a placeholder blog till i get bored here:
http://pleonast.com/users/fullofgrace
